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untitled: a few words, a reminder, and a smile

Right now, I think I might be the happiest I’ve been since 2017 started.

No, that doesn’t mean everything’s going for me, but it does mean that for the first time in a long time I’m starting to feel like I can deal with my problems, stay motivated, and have the right mindset while also taking care of myself.

For the longest time, my happiness was based solely off of who I surrounded myself with. While that’s a good way to stay positive or be reminded to keep your chin up, I realized that not everyone who I was surrounding myself with was having a positive effect on me, even if they were always smiling or laughing. Most of the time, they were the ones who would make me overthink things and question my worth and life. I didn’t want to let go of them, I didn’t want to be lonely, I didn’t want to get rid of something that was already falling apart, whether or not I accepted it. These were the people who controlled the way I acted, the way I talked, the things I cared about, and ultimately, the things that made me happy. For the past two months, they were also the people who made me feel like the only things I was capable of doing without bursting into laughter or tears were fucking things up and hurting others.

I’ll be the first one to admit: I have screwed up before, MULTIPLE TIMES, and sometimes I haven’t taken full responsibility for those actions. If I knew how to apologize and fix all those mistakes and problems I’ve created in the past, I would in a heartbeat, believe me. But I can’t, and the only thing I can do is make sure that in the future the hurt, “I’m sorry’s” and sleepless nights I’ve had over other people’s unwillingness to accept me or my faults isn’t worth the energy or time it’s taken up in the past. 

Of course I want to be a better person and of course I want to be “good enough,” but it’s a long process. If someone can’t deal with you at your worst don’t give them the honor of seeing you at your best. Not. Worth. It.

Throughout the last week or so, I’ve realized a few things: 1) always leave someone who will leave you at your worst, 2) feeling the need to become the ideal “friend” for someone isn’t equivalent to an actual friendship and 3) your happiness should never be defined but other’s ability to give it or take it away from you. My biggest fear was and still is, being alone and disliked by others. Being disliked is inevitable, and believe me, I’ve gotten my share of hate mail and haters. Yet I still didn’t want to come to terms with it, nor did I want to accept that sometimes your worst enemy isn’t just yourself but the people who have changed you for their own needs. My friends and the wellbeing of others have always come before most things for me, and they still do, but I’ve realized that I can’t take care of others if I can’t even take care of myself, no matter how much I pretend I can. 

This isn’t me indirectly jabbing at certain people or me writing a letter of regret to myself and the internet – instead, it’s me putting in ink and paper (okay, *digital* ink and paper) that losing some things on the way to finding yourself isn’t that bad. In fact, it’s actually pretty okay. 

Okay enough where I can look at my text notifs without feeling regretful and take a shower and eat ice cream at 2AM while smiling and not being all but completely consumed by the thought of others and my problems. It’s a strange, weird feeling, and a bit foreign at that. But I think it’s called happiness.

So here’s a lil reminder for you to keep your head up and smile even when you feel like you can’t. Remember: everything’s gonna be okay in the very end. Things will work it. You will be okay. I promise.

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